


Crazy Love (I get scared without you)

by erza155



Series: Attempting Ethical Human Experimentation [1]
Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:02:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27611806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erza155/pseuds/erza155
Summary: Cloud and Sephiroth aren't soulmates. They're just tied together. They're with each other. Always. Across many universes
Relationships: Sephiroth/Cloud Strife
Series: Attempting Ethical Human Experimentation [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2018758
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	Crazy Love (I get scared without you)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PeachySeals](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeachySeals/gifts).



> Incredibly pretentious and Incredibly self indulgent. Title is from "You're cold" by Heize.

Picture this. The scene is set in this odd room that's a merger of kitchen and dining room. It is expansive but tiny. Sephiroth is at the table and Cloud is at the sink. ( _The physical distance between them is measurable. The metaphorical distance filled with their fraught history and whirlwind of emotions is not._ ) They're in an established relationship. But it's not pretty. They hurt each other much more than they do anything else. But they're in love, they don't want to quit. They don't know how to be in love with anyone else, and they don’t care to learn or try.

This isn't the first time. Cloud's heart is a stone, sinking into his stomach, but he's good at pretending. He's learned how to act like nothing's wrong. He's learned how to hide the bruises. They both have. 

One night Sephiroth's hand is around his throat and he is trying to steal Cloud's breath and he is almost victorious, but he always loses. ( _He is glad he does. In the heat of the moment, he does not want to lose, but later he is always grateful._ ) They cannot be rid of one another. The next morning, Sephiroth brews him tea and gently applies balms to his throat. He kisses Cloud tenderly while helping him put on makeup to hide the bruises. No one can see into the cracked façade of their relationship. 

Another, it's Cloud's fist on Sephiroth's face and there is so much blood. It's disheartening. It's  _ lovely _ . They are so in love. He rides Sephiroth to both of their completion. The next morning Sephiroth kneels before him so Cloud can more evenly apply the color corrector and kiss him softly before he leaves. 

This is a recreation. This is nothing new. This is sacred. They are going to rip each other apart. It is going to be glorious. But they know best how to put each other back together.

☆☆☆☆☆

It's a different world this time. Cloud is a miserable child in the Nibel mountains. He is told to be a happy boy. He does not know how to be that. So he learns to make himself invisible. It works for a while. But everyone needs a punching bag, and through unfortunately drawn straws within the universe, the Strifes ended up with one of the shortest.

So, Cloud decides, if he can't change the situation, he'll leave. He makes for Midgar and the SOLDIER program. He tries his hardest and gives it his best. The universe is cold and unfeeling. He fails. He could try one more time. He will try one more time. But first, he must wallow in his failure. Getting drunk on the roof of Shinra corp seems like a good idea. The bite of the wind reminds him of the  _ very few  _ comforts of home. It is almost pleasant. 

Sephiroth is never a boy or a child. He is Sephiroth or Project S. He does not know what normal looks like. He is not human. He is above them. ( ** _Hojo intends to build a god, but does not take into consideration that despite his brilliance, he is nothing but a man. He will never understand what a god consists of. True gods would revel in tearing him apart at the molecular level, crunching on his bones, and his blood dripping from their lips. In his delusions of grandeur, he does not notice this._** )

Sephiroth grows strong and smart. He will not be lacking in any capacity. He takes beatings and bruises from Turks and improves. He gets better. Faster. Stronger. Heals faster. It is not enough. Hojo pits him against professional scholars. Sephiroth perseveres. The alternative option is not one worth thinking about. ( ** _Hojo is the cruelest of men. His imagination is vast and he has no regard for anyone or anything besides himself._** )

Sephiroth grows and grows and grows. Becomes better than he used to be. He is elevated and put on a pedestal. Shinra's finest. He makes almost friends. It changes nothing. He will still return to Hojo to be broken and bent into the proper shape. He endures a battery of experiments and tries to hide the worst of his reactions so Hojo does not use them against him. Sephiroth is finely honed steel, and Hojo is his blacksmith. Hojo is a poor blacksmith, but his attempts at metallurgy produce results that make people look away from the atrocities he is committing in the name of some notion of ‘science’, and ultimately, he too bends to a higher force. All hail the almighty Gil and the president that chases it. What is humanity to men who have discarded it all too long ago in the search of something better? ( _What will they do once they realize that there is nothing to be found? And they have strayed too far and there is not a single shred of humanity left for them? All that is left is destruction, darkness, and pain._ )

Once he is free of the science labs, he tries to be free of Shinra in the simplest way he knows how to. The roof is a sort of safe haven for him. It’s not like no one else knows about it. It’s just that people tend to bother him less when they think he can push them off a 100th floor of a building. He likes to stare at the sky. The sky above Midgar is a bleak hopeless thing, but Sephiroth has never known any better. All his skies have been clouded with smog and smoke. The pollution of Midgar. Everything they set aflame in Wutai.

They meet on a roof, and they're both out of their minds, but they find comfort within each other for the night. It is a mistake of epic proportions not that either of them are aware of it. Lust addled and loosened by alcohol, they somehow make their way back to Sephiroth's private apartment. Everything is a blur of skin and sensation. 

When they wake the next morning, they are both embarrassed. They agree that it can never happen again and no one can know about it for different reasons on both their parts. They know nothing. It happens again. They always have their excuses. They always say it can never happen again. It keeps happening. They phase the words it can never happen again out of their well worn routine. They come back to each other and find comfort in each other. It is pleasant to have an ally entirely to oneself.

Somehow they manage to keep it contained, but it is hard work. It gets easier when Genesis and then Angeal defect. Defect. What a funny word, thinks Sephiroth.  _ They left him. They left him even knowing everything they did. The parts of himself he exposed to their honeyed words _ . The thought disgusts him. Cloud is helpful as always. The bruises he leaves from that night last 3 weeks. Sephiroth is fascinated by the sight of them. He did that. He altered Cloud in a significant way. He wants to do it permanently. He wants to break Cloud so Cloud can never leave him. But Sephiroth's life has been nothing if not a lesson on the importance of restraint. He does nothing.

And then Nibelheim happens. It breaks both of them in different ways. Broken, pretty, shattered glass pieces make up their souls now. Their edges are sharper than they ever were. Life happens. Time passes. And Sephiroth is tenacious. Cloud is the one thing he chose for himself. He will have him.

Cloud knows better. He does. But he is just so  _ tired _ . So, just this once, he gives in. It is meant to be once and only once. It feels so good. So nice to not have to worry for one moment. It is a rough and broken thing, their coupling. But is  _ theirs _ in a way that few things have been. It is only for them and nothing else weighs in. There is no Jenova whispering in Sephiroth's head. There are no responsibilities or duties to some moral ideal weighing down Cloud's shoulders. 

It is meant to only happen once. They were always bad at that. They fight as often as they fuck. Sometimes a fight is foreplay. And other times, sex is just another form of aggression leading to a bigger fight. Cloud still tries to kill Sephiroth in any way he can. Sephiroth still attempts to run him through with Masamune when he gets the chance. It is a well choreographed movement. It's a shitty dance, but it's theirs. Neither of them know how to end this or when it will end. But it has to.

☆☆☆☆☆

A new universe. Another lifetime. They're both famous. They are watched constantly. Sephiroth the elite actor and Cloud the up and coming punk rock star. They have nothing in common except their love of violence. Their happening upon each other is a complex string of incidents that is as likely to be engineered by the universe as much as it is pure accident.

They start out soft. They try. They've both learned that people think they like edges but they do not have the stomach or patience for them. They both find it tiresome but keep up the charade because reputation matters.

And it would have stayed soft and fake, but  _ that _ night happens. Sephiroth is exhausted from filming and Cloud is drained by too many hours in a studio. They shouldn't be near each other. Both of them want to leave because they want to hurt someone. But their is no clear escape route. They slip, crash, and fall. Words are thrown around, until weight is thrown around. And they fall into this rough ugly thing that neither of them can tell if they're fighting or fucking. It is the highest of highs.

The next morning is rough. They apologize. Soft, sweet, fake words are murmured to each other in between soft, sweet, saccharine kisses. They try to be better. They slip up.

And then slip ups become the new normal. They are destructive. Supernova stars burning bright and black holes all consuming. There is no option other than painful, immediate death. People around them notice, and occasionally try to intervene in their best interests. They always fail because no one has access to all the facts that would help in breaking their cycle. Not even themselves. They shift and change too often for that. So they continue to have "accidents."

☆☆☆☆☆

One universe dies and leaves behind ashes and dust. Another one flashes into being and expands.

In this one they've been with each other from the start. Their parents are "close" "friends." They love each other but understand that theirs is a society of artifice, so they play their roles. Children are meant to be seen only when they are called for. They dream of running away together. They dream of being free together. Their dreams always involve each other. It never strikes them as odd.

Their relationship infuriates and repulses their parents. They know this. Children are props in a play. Their eyes are wide open and they take in all the information without understanding it. They grow up odd, but it's ok because they have each other.

They're too odd for anyone else. Others try to intrude but there is too much between them for anyone else to make themselves feel welcome. Friendship with others is not an option. They learn to spurn the advances before they begin. They grow up cruel.

They grow up cruel and they have no one but each other. And they learn that they love to hurt each other. Every reaction, every display of feeling pain, every wince makes pleasure shoot up their spine. They learn how to hurt each other best. They learn which words to say to drive each other into a frenzy. They learn which parts of the body are softest to dig knives in and twist them for the most exquisite of pain. They learn how to break each other. It is lovely. Sephiroth's hands leave bruises on Cloud's waist, and Cloud's hands leave bruises around Sephiroth's throat. Their kisses are always tinged with blood. They wouldn't have it any other way.

☆☆☆☆☆

They keep finding each other. It is the most beautiful and twisted thing. It's too bad they can't remember. 

In one universe, Cloud keeps Sephiroth tethered to him with honeyed words, while Sephiroth grows to resent him. Cloud like Sephiroth best when he's between his thighs and he can see Sephiroth's hatred of him bloom in his eyes. The garden of Sephiroth's hatred is the most delightful thing and Cloud enjoys cultivating it.

In another, Sephiroth is obsessed and Cloud never got a chance to say no. Sephiroth keeps him chained, and enjoys the way Cloud snarls at him and tries to bite him. He loves Cloud's fierceness. But he enjoys fucking and breaking Cloud more. He is at his happiest when Cloud breaks and learns to love his chains and chooses Sephiroth's cruelty and gilded cage over any freedom.

☆☆☆☆☆

Is it possible for them to have a happy and healthy relationship? The answer is always no. They try and they keep trying but it's always meant to end badly. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm about to try to start delivering on every false promise I've made to you, and this is a way for you to publicly shame me if I don't keep it going.


End file.
